Non-Negotiables

Surely, you’ve noticed how the more you think about something, the more that something shows up in your life.  Who knew there were so many Teslas in central Florida?  Not that I have any desire for a Tesla, but I noticed one day an otherwise nondescript vehicle with no door handles, and suddenly every other car had the same aerodynamic feature.  (Are they all black? Or do they make other colors?) This wonder has been discussed by theorists for ages and has been branded in their images, like the “frequency illusion” or “principle of attraction.”  I’m going to call it the “Tesla Effect” and consider myself a great thinker today.  Don’t you love the moment when you discover something, only to find it’s all been said before?  I’m not going to be too hard on myself for not previously finding the article in Psychology Today.

If you’re unconvinced, simply mention something within a five-mile radius of Google and it will instantly appear in your inbox or Facebook feed.  Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about aging, taking stock, starting over, reimagining my future.  The Tesla Effect instantly brought the “perfect” books (ROAR by Michael Clinton), movies (Brad’s Status), podcasts (The Ageist), emails (Michael Zipursky), and discussions into my life.  It’s almost unfair, how the vast net of technology has dumbed us down so that we must be smacked in the head with the proverbial frying pan or repeatedly exposed to neon billboards to take notice.  I think I would have liked the days when we just mused, “Huh, that’s weird, there sure are a lot of cardinals flying about lately.  I wonder if they make them in a different color?”

I am reimaging myself (that sounds so much better than “starting over”) and behold, the Tesla Effect through some rather benign mediums gave search-engine-approved language to my thoughts.  Somehow knowing that I’m not the only one going through this phenomenon helped.  Though most people my age are changing one or two things in their lives, I seek all the Big Three: new job, new home, new love.  After countless hours of trying to answer spoon-fed questions like “What are you really great at? What makes you excited? What do your friends ask you for advice about? What five qualities best describe you? How do you envision yourself in one, three, five, years? Etc. Etc.,” I decided to start by narrowing it down to the non-negotiables. So, what are the non-negotiables in your life?         

I’ve just returned from my annual January escape from the cold.  I spent it in Florida with my mother and stepdad and took a trip up to visit my father and sister in Virginia.  There is nothing more rejuvenating, inspiring, and affirming than being enveloped by the unconditional love of family, especially over the holidays.  Except butter, which luckily there was plenty of. There’s really nothing better than understanding that unconditional love actually exists, then realizing that you have it in your life.  Just as I was thinking how lucky I am to still have my incredible parents alive, I got the gut-punch call that my (ex) father-in-law had died.  (Turns out, the Tesla Effect has both positive and negative ramifications.)  He was a legendary man, a beautiful father, and made the son I will always love who gave me an extraordinary life of experiences that made me who I am today.  As is natural for all who experience the loss of a loved one, we reflect on our own lives.  My deepest wish is that his children revel in the time they all had with him, know they spent every moment they could basking in his unconditional love and giving it, and have no regrets.  I am grateful to him, every day.

With newfound concentration, and a return ticket to real-life looming on the horizon, I revisited the Non-Negotiable Question.  And wrote it down.  It’s not like I was carving it in stone and sending it to the top of a mountain, but the sheer act of writing something down makes it a more meaningful, imposing endeavor.  When you’re done, there is a sense of relief.  It doesn’t have to be earth shattering or prophetic.  It might be simply that you will not live without sharp white cheddar in your refrigerator. (Just me?) 

In creating, or reimagining my life, my non-negotiables are:

1.      My horses and hounds will be in it.

2.      I will spend all the moments I can with my family and those I love, while they are still alive, and live with no regrets about time I didn’t.

3.      I will have a home (or homes) of my own again, somewhere warm enough to enjoy said horses and hounds year-round, big enough to have loved ones over for the holidays or when they’re undergoing their own existential crises, and preferably near a proper grocery store (that’s not Dollar General) with parking spaces big enough for my one-ton dually.

4.      I’ll make enough money to afford maintaining aforementioned house, horses, hounds, pickup and once again travel to see the parts of the world I haven’t yet to have some more grand adventures.

5.      My work will be my own. I’ll be my own boss.  Whatever I create will help people.

6.      I will love again.

This is not Moses-quality here.  I didn’t create a job description or change the address on my driver’s license. I did define some hard-core values though, which makes future decisions a lot easier.  I have no idea what my work will look like, but it’ll have writing, the law, equine people and issues, and probably conflict in it.  I’m not sure when I’ll feel compelled enough by the thought of future sex to shed the menopausal thirty pounds that found their way to my mid-section and start shaving again.  But each day now holds the opportunity to notice the things that keep careening into my big head, change my thinking, and make tiny adjustments to achieve the non-negotiables.

I highly recommend the exercise.